The woman in my life

Dushyant, do you remember the first time we decided to be in a relationship? You were so happy. I have never seen you that happy in so many years. But… you are just like everyone else, D. You use people to your advantage. You use me whenever you need someone to comfort you. You came back all those times because; you wanted to feel like a better person. You wanted to prove yourself that you are a better person. That was it. It is important for you to be a better person in the eyes of everyone. You never loved me. You will never love me. But I have always loved you. I have loved you for 8 long years. But then, I tried to find happiness in other people because I know you will never love me back. And then I finally got over you and got rid of you but you came back. Again! You promised me that you had changed but, you are just doing the same things. You are never going to change. You are never going to stop hurting me and I am done! You would easily pick the girl you think is ugly and not compatible with you over me and I can never understand why…

 If you are around, I will still be waiting for you to love me. You know I hate unrequited love. I don’t want to be the puppy that follows you wherever you go. So, no, I cannot be your best friend anymore. I cannot do this anymore because I love you and you know that, apparently. We are done. Just… leave me alone and NEVER contact me again. Ever. She choked.

It’s been a month.

At first, I thought it was a joke or one of those fights we have when she has her tutu days. I got back home with a box of chocolates and beer but she was gone. That’s when it hit me. She had planned this. It was a well-thought decision because; it was not just the “Be gone for a while” suitcase that was missing but also our little rexy, the cat and everything else that belongs to her. Trex was sitting on her bed. Trex is our dog. She loves cats and I love dogs so we got both of them. We are two different people. She was telling the truth when she said that I always want to be a better person in the eyes of others because, that’s who I am. I am always worried about what others think about me. My actions are directed by what my parents or friends would want me to do. I would like to think that I am logical and always like to be in control. She is just the opposite. Quirky, adventurous and she can kiss a man in the middle of the Chennai central railway station and not care about it. She does what she thinks is right. She is brave and loud while I, on the other hand am not so brave.  I am quiet and like to keep things to myself. She is an extrovert and me, well, I am nothing without her. All the friends that we have are the ones she made and brought home everytime she went out. But don’t opposites attract?

The words keep ringing in my head over and over. She has a very sweet voice and when she cries it gets squeakier. I call her the squeakiest little rat just to annoy her. It makes her smile through her tears. Sometimes she snorts and it embarrasses the hell out of her. I smiled to myself now, thinking about how she would punch me on my biceps if she hears that. But actually she has the most beautiful voice. She has the most beautiful lips. I love her smile. The way she can always be happy even when everything around her is crumbling and falling apart. That woman is as strong as a tornado. She is the most beautiful woman inside out.

She can give so much love and clearly, I do not deserve her. So maybe it makes sense that she’s gone. It’s the right thing to do.

I should have told:

“Noori…. Wait… stop! I love you. I need you. I feel better when you are around me. I don’t know why I never realized how you make me a better person. I never understood how you are the only person who can make me happy. I love you. Move in with me. Be my girl. Be my wife. Please!”

But I didn’t. I just sat there at our favourite pub when she ran out crying. She waited for me to respond after she had told me that she loves me, I didn’t. She emptied the glass of long island peach tea on my face and called me a jerk. Then she ran. That was the last time I saw her. She has always told me that she has waited for me to do something for her. Just anything that would make her smile. I didn’t. I made efforts to keep others in my life. I never had to make an effort to keep this tomboy in my life. She was always around. But right now, I am sitting alone at her favourite spot, the balcony of our apartment that’s in the 40th floor and she is not here.

We moved in here together. We have been planning this for a year. Ever since she got her visa and I know that she was going to come here. We decided that we would take an apartment right here in Brooklyn overlooking the bridge and that’s what we did when she came here. She was excited. I hate heights but I just wanted to be around her. She was running around the apartment like a kid, planning where we would keep what and which room would be hers. She obviously took the room with the view and the balcony. I didn’t want it anyway so I didn’t fight her. So, that’s where I am sitting now, like a loser. I don’t remember how many times in 8 years she has blocked me and we had gotten back together because I would apologize and promise her that I had changed.

You see, I am clinically depressed. I have episodes. Sometimes they are mild and sometimes they are so bad that I want to kill myself. I have the worst mood swings in the world. When I am depressed, I do not let anyone into my room or talk to anyone. I do not eat or bathe. Sometimes I do not go to work. I exist. I just sit and wait for it to pass. But that was only until she came to US. After she came here, she would insist on being around when I don’t even want to be with myself. She would break the door if she has to. She sits with me, grabs my hand and holds it. She entwines her fingers in mine and leans on my shoulder. I love the warmth she gives me. I miss her now. But I was afraid. I was afraid of letting her in. I couldn’t let my guard down with her. I couldn’t let my guard down with anyone. I always want to be in complete control of my life. So, I promise her a lot of things. But I don’t keep up. She asks about it later and I pretend to not remember it. She would let go and smile. God! I miss that smile.

She is a doer. If she promises something she does it. If she tells you something, she means it. I don’t because most of the times I am busy sorting myself out that I couldn’t give her a lot of importance. I couldn’t give her any importance. I didn’t acknowledge her. But she was always there. She cancelled her vacation so I don’t have to be alone when she goes to India. She wanted to plan the vacation together so we can both go home together. I left her when my mother wanted me to come home. She did not complain. She waited for my return with a cupcake and a bottle of wine. She always put me first, even when I broke her heart.

One Saturday night when I was drunk and she was sober, I kissed her and she let me. We laughed over it the next day but I knew it meant a lot to her. I didn’t acknowledge. When you have gotten a taste of a drug once, you have to go back. We took it a lot more farther than we should have. I hurt her again and I can never forgive myself for that. I know she loves me. I have always known. I have seen the pain in her face when she wants to tell me that she loves me but cannot. I know it everytime she bites her lip. I know she was just chewing those words down because she didn’t want to lose me or she was scared that I would get angry. The problem with getting support when you are depressed is that you tend to get dependent on that one person. So, if the person leaves you. That’s just another reason to fall deeper into the blackhole. But I think she wanted to stay in that blackhole with me.

People long for love. I have longed for love. I have longed for a girl who will plan my birthday parties for me. I have longed for a girl who would do my laundry and give me a neck massage when I am back from work. I have longed for my person. But the woman who would move mountains just to see me smile and would burn the world if that would make me feel better has just left me because of my insecurity. I would say cowardice and selfishness but I am too proud to say that. Isn’t it funny that we never realize what we are losing until we lose it? That we don’t see love when it’s well within our grasp? I believe in miracles and signs. I wait for some star to hit me when I see the girl and only that’s love. I used to think that I can never love her. I strongly believed that it was just friendship and nothing more than that. That she was only attached to me, addicted even, because we were physically involved. Just how naïve am I? How stupid? Love sneaks in at the most unexpected time and to me it had the first time I saw her but I was too dumb to realize that.

She has blocked me everywhere. I cannot contact her. I know where she is but I don’t want to go there. I know her best friend will bury me alive. So, I am going to go to her office tomorrow. I am going to stand outside until I see her. I am going to beg her to forgive me and take me back. I am going to promise her that this time will surely be different because this time I want to marry her. I want to marry the best friend I have dated multiple times and never realized that I love her. I just hope that it’s not too late.

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