A long time back when I was somewhere in between my early and mid twenties, doing really stupid things that I would frown upon as a really well grown woman now, I read, “In 5 years this won’t matter” somewhere, in some book that I was dabbling with because I had to pass time. When I read that I thought it’s a load of bull. I thought I am going to stay miserable for the rest of my life. A failure, someone who let herself down every single day, someone who royally screwed up everything that was handed to her in a silver platter, I was a failure, that’s who I was. Everyday I would wake up thinking I am a failure. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror because I have taken every opportunity that was handed to me and thrown it in the trash, like it didn’t matter, like it was something very easily attainable again. All this for a man who didn’t love me even a bit, I lost everything I had. I was destroying myself without realising it. I blamed myself for people leaving me. I believed that good things happened to others and everyone else in this world but me. That I was a mistake and that I will never stop disappointing myself or my parents, one of the many good things that happened to me were them. I existed. I didn’t go after what I wanted because I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Everything around me was so depressing and demotivating, all I wanted to do was burn the world and burn along with it so I don’t have to breathe anymore or live another day.
But then there came a day, when I felt that I was trapped within myself. This girl I knew, this girl who is always happy and smiling at everything even at the face of bitterness was gone. She is still somewhere inside of this rotten body that is moving around in this planet but that girl, she was screaming inside of the body, crying to come out of the dungeon I had trapped her. I decided that I will help this girl come out because there is no other way I was going to really live anymore this way. I was bored of everything. I was bored of grieving over the lost love that never existed in first place; I was bored of just existing while everyone around me chased their dream like a mad person. I was bored of being this useless person that I am. I decided that I will pull my act together and no matter what happened I will not take that road, again. I decided to take control and change my life once and for all. These are things I did:
- I threw away every negative thought that was in my head. It was not easy to shut it down and it did not go away altogether. It took me a whole year to do that. I made a sincere effort to see the good in every bad. As a child and a teenager, I had always believed that everything happens for a reason and the reason is good. I started believing in it.
- I started writing a journal. Again, it was not easy. Everyday, I would carry my coffee mug and take breaks at office alone. I found a lone spot at my office that I cherish, I carry my journal and pen to that place day after day and write my anger, frustration, sorrows day after day. Then after months I wrote about the little things that made me happy. Then there came a day when chose to be happy over sad. If something made me sad, I chose to be happy. I avoid the reason that made me sad on its face, even as it stared at me right on my face I would look beyond it and smile.
- I spent a lot of time alone, with myself. I avoided meeting people. I avoided conversations, parties, get together and spent time alone. I would read books, watch my favourite series and imagine living among those people anything that made me happy I would do it but I made a constant effort to stay alone as long as I got comfortable with it. I then started taking me out on movie dates, lunch, coffee and there were two things that came with me wherever I went – my journal and book.
- I avoid negative people at any cost. I avoid even making eye contact with them. It’s not easy but it’s easy both at the same time. All you have to do is learn to love yourself enough to say no to their existence in your life. You are not worth being played around, you are not worth being pushed around, you will not lose respect for someone you love and you will not give upon who you are for someone who wants to be with you but finds you weird because of some reason.
- Next, the obvious, I surrounded myself with good people. People who love me with their imperfections. People who broke into pieces at some point in life and gathered themselves together and rose from the ashes like a phoenix. These are strong people who made me strong by just being with me. I travelled miles to meet people like these, to bring people like these into my life. Now, I have only 4 friends whom I can rely on and I know I can rely on them with all my life. I didn’t need a gang anymore.
- I also realized that we do not need a closure to everything. Sometimes you get more hurt when you run behind people trying to get a closure. Don’t. You don’t need a closure. Leave it and let it heal, give the questions in your head a rest, let your heart babble about it all day and night but become oblivion to it. Do not ever succumb to what your heart says.
- I started focusing on fitness, mindful eating, doing the things I love to do and plan for the future. I planned to travel every now and then. I travelled to meet my friends and create happy memories. I only did the things that pleased me and refused to do the things I didn’t like to.
- I became a person who believed in certainity of things, who demanded ambiguity in situations that might turn dangerously heartbreaking if I listen to my heart. I let my brain and heart argue over things instead of being spontaneous and made careful decisions.
I finally started experiencing true happiness. I felt it. I feel it so many times in a day and think I made this happen and today when I wake up and look at myself in the mirror I see a strong, independent woman who has seen the worst and will battle with life and win again and again till the end of her life in this earth. That’s me. That’s what I made myself into and you can get high on happiness. It’s an addiction and you have to earn it, once you have earned it, learn to break it sometimes because you cannot always be happy but it’s OK to make a cautious effort to be happy and stay that way as long as you can. Let it be an addiction of your convenience.
It’s been 3 years since I had a breakdown. And yes, it doesn’t matter anymore already. People say if I can go back to my past, I will change a lot of things, but I wouldn’t. If I go back to my past, I will do the exact same things I did because it made me who I am today. I am proud of who I am today.
Stay happy and if you can give others some motivation to tread on do so, never be negative about anything! Be logical about things but never negative. Be irrational and rational at the same time and you be the judge of what would work best in a situation.